Leaked Storyboard Pages for the Illumination Super Mario Bros. Movie Starring Chris Pratt

Due to my position as the three-year (1994-1997) champion of the Nintendo Power magazine envelope art contest, as well as my role as webmaster of the important Kirby's Dream Land fansite kirbysdreamland.geocities.com, I formed many close personal friendships with Nintendo of America staff. One such staffer, who wishes to remain anonymous, has been disgruntled with Nintendo ever since they sold Banjo-Kazooie to Microsoft. As revenge, they have been anonymously smuggling individual, randomly selected storyboard pages to the 2022 Illumination Mario movie starring Chris Pratt, to give to me, to leak on the Internet. I love Nintendo and think my friend is a monster, yet I am compelled to post them for the Internet clout.
One issue I have with these storyboard leaks is that my anonymous source sends random pages to me out of order. So sometimes I have a hard time figuring out where they fall in the sequential order of the plot. Based on my limited knowledge of screenwriting, I think this page is from the second act climax, when our heroes are at their darkest.

It’s really interesting to see how dark of a direction Illumination is going with the Mario movie starring Chris Pratt. I have my reservations because I do not think it’s appropriate for all ages, but on the other hand I’m excited to see Jack Black have the chance to show off his acting range. Fan’s of Jack Black’s work in Peter Jackson’s King Kong (2005) and Richard Linklater’s Bernie (2011) will be thrilled at the dramatic choice for the Bowser subplot, but parents of younger Mario fans unfortunately may want to skip this one.

This leaked storyboard page has confirmed what some of us have initially suspected and feared. It appears that in an attempt to compete with other popular cinematic universes such as the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the Universal Pictures monsters cinematic universe, the Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt is part of a larger Nintendo Cinematic Universe, and much of the plotline of the film will focus on characters and themes from other popular Nintendo franchises, most notably Pokémon. While on the one hand, the Nintendo Cinematic Universe will bring us years of joy and delight, some of us are old enough to remember the rougher days of the Nintendo fandom when Mario Bros. fans would administer savage schoolyard beatings to Pokémon fans over anxieties that the latter was eclipsing the former as Nintendo’s flagship franchise. Having Mario and Pokémon characters appear together in the same film, and having so much Pokémon-related plotline take up screen time in what is ostensibly a Mario movie, may be just the thing to reignite this long-dormant bad blood, leading to another spike in public school violence.

Fans of the classic SNES Donkey Kong Country trilogy rejoiced when in 2018, Masahiro Sakurai finally added King K. Rool to the Super Smash Bros. fighter roster after decades of polite requests and letter bombs. These same fans will be no less delighted to learn that King K. Rool makes an appearance in the Illumination Mario Bros film starring Chris Pratt, but may be disappointed to learn that he is brutally murdered on-screen minutes within being introduced.

I’m almost afraid to post this leak because of the controversy I know it’s going to create. Alright folks, let’s address the elephant in the room. This is the first leaked page I’ve posted featuring fan favorite Princess Peach. There’s a reason for that. A lot of Super Mario Bros. fans are definitely not going to be happy with the choices the Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt made with their portrayal of Princess Peach. I’m of course talking about the fact that they changed her original classic design, changing her hair from blonde to brunette and giving her a slightly darker, more reddish dress. So far I’ve been pretty happy with how Illumination has handled the franchise, but this is completely unacceptable. Real Mario fans will not rest, day or night, until this change is reversed. We don’t care what it takes. The CGI animators need to work unpaid overtime, evenings, nights, weekends, Christmas and Thanksgiving, until this problem is fixed and this character looks more like the illustrations in the Super Nintendo game manuals we used to masturbate to as adolescents. With enough of us standing together, Illumination WILL hear our voices, uniting together as one.

So it looks like this page is setting up the third film in the planned NCU film franchise, “Mr. Game and Watch” (2024). Now at this time, absolutely nothing is known about the film, or for that matter, how Illumination plans to adapt a hand-held LCD game from 1980 with no story, plot or characters into a three-hour long action movie. This hasn’t stopped CBR.com from commissioning the following thought-provoking articles from their freelance writers’ sweatshop in Manilla:

-”Top 10 Game and Watch characters we want to see in Mr. Game and Watch”
-”Top 5 Mr. Game and Watch easter eggs in the third Illumination Super Mario Bros movie starring Chris Pratt trailer”
-”Will the little firefighter guys from the fire-fighting Game and Watch game be in the Mr. Game and Watch movie?”
-”PLEASE SEND HELP! THEY HAVE LOCKED THE DOORS FROM THE OUTSIDE AND WILL NOT LET US LEAVE THE BUILDING! WE ARE WITHOUT FOOD AND NEED TO GET HOME TO OUR FAMILIES!”
-”This leaked screenshot from the Mr. Game and Watch movie PROVES that Balloon Fighter plays an important role in the plot!”

SPOILER ALERT!!! This page reveals a crucial potential element of Illumination’s Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt that many fans have been waiting for. It appears the very clever screenwriters of Illumination’s Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt have included a joke about how Charlie Day, the actor who is voice-acting Luigi, is also the actor who plays Charlie in the Emmy-award winning FX sitcom “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia”. This is a joke that many of us would not think to make, but this is why screenwriting professionals such as the screenwriters of Illumination’s Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt make the big bucks. (Approximately $50.00 a screenplay.)

The Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt will be a milestone in #representation because it will be the first feature-length, theatrically released film to cast a woman of color (Zendaya) as Samus Aran. While this casting decision has not been the source of any controversy or criticism, Illumination has managed to build an algorithm that scours multiple social media platforms looking for vitriolic loners making racist and misogynistic commentary about this choice. It appears one YouTube user, Samus_Fan_88, takes issue with this courageous, progressive and barrier-shattering move, saying Samus Aryan is “a [sic] aryan waifu” and that Illumination are “(((globalist))) bugmen” responsible for “white culutural [sic] genocide”. In response to this hate speech campaign, Illumination has launched the #CancelHate movement, a movement dedicated to the abolition of all negative Internet commentary about the Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt.

This page is pretty wild because it confirms that in the Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt, Donkey Kong will in fact be a communist. While some audience-goers were probably looking for a more light-hearted romp that steered away from controversial issues such as communism, others who have friends and loved ones who are communists will be glad to see much-needed representation of communists on the big screen. Communists are an often misunderstood group, and I’m glad to see that now young communists, who may be struggling with self-esteem issues, have a hero like Donkey Kong to look up to. This decision will of course have it’s detractors, with some arguing that communism is a totalitarian ideology that has led to the deaths of 80 million people, but it’s important to remember that using those same demographic models, the 20th century famines actually killed way more people in capitalist countries such as India, and that philosopher Slavoj Žižek argues that “totalitarianism” rhetoric is an attempt to discredit any alternatives to the liberal-democratic capitalist consensus. Either way, I hope we can all put our political differences aside and enjoy watching Donkey Kong pal around on the big screen with his buddies Diddy Kong….I wanna say Midgie Kong? Midgie Kong? Is that right? …And…..Buddy Kong?

So it appears that the writers of the Illumination Mario Bros movie starring Chris Pratt have forgotten that there are more than 150 Pokémon. In fact it appears they are basing their entire understanding of the Pokémon franchise on source materials collected from the 1990s. This will be a major bummer for any fans out there of the other 750 Pokémon, as, due to an agreement signed between Nintendo and Illumination, the canon of the Illumination Mario Bros movie starring Chris Pratt supersedes all other source materials, meaning all 750 other Pokémon are officially non-canon. But not to worry, Pokémon games from generations 2 through 8 will still be available to purchase, under Nintendo’s new non-canonical “Pokémon Legends” franchise designation. This is actually a great opportunity for a new creative team, under the executive leadership of Illumination, to enjoy the creative freedom to craft fresh new stories within the Pokémon universe, and create new Pokémon, such as my personal favorite, Minionmon.

When I was a child, I was deeply traumatized to learn that Wario was not one of the Mario brothers and was just another unrelated guy. Thanks to years of EMDR therapy, I was finally able to move on with my life. However, it turns out those years of EMDR therapy were a massive waste of time, because the Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt apparently has established that Wario and Waluigi are in fact Mario and Luigi’s biological brothers, and not homosexual lovers. (This is likely due to the Singapore market.) And my Nintendo of America source tells me that the legal contract between Nintendo of Japan and Illumination specifies that anything in the Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt is the highest level of Mario canon, overriding any other Mario canon source materials that contradict it.

So it turns out the Illumination Mario Bros. movie starring Chris Pratt has received an NC-17 rating, for featuring full penetration. This is, of course, an unusual decision for a film based on a franchise of E-rated video games, and will limit the film’s theatrical release in the United States, and most likely get it banned from Australia. I’m conflicted, as I don’t think this was the smartest decision on Illumination’s part, but I also don’t think the people of Australia deserve the childlike wonder and magic of seeing Mario and his friends light up the silver screen.

Great news, everyone! Beloved Nintendo fan-creation Sonichu makes his first canonical appearance in an official licensed Nintendo property, the Illumination Super Mario Bros movie starring Chris Pratt! This decision, made in June of 2021, is such a cool way for Nintendo to show the Nintendo fan-creation community that they really care about them when they’re not sending DMCAs to ROM-hacking websites. Rumor has it that Sonichu’s creator will be given front row VIP tickets to the premiere of the Illumination Mario Bros movie starring Chris Pratt in Grauman’s Chinese Theatre in Los Angeles, California!

According to my source, this third-act scene of Illumination’s Mario Bros movie starring Chris Pratt is supposed to set up the next scheduled film in the Nintendo Cinematic Universe, or NCU, called “Toad” (2023). Danny DeVito, the actor who provides the voice of Toad, has already signed an 14-film contract, so anyone who enjoys watching Danny DeVito in other films or television shows will probably be bummed to find out he will only be doing the voice of a poorly computer-animated mushroom for the next decade and a half. DeVito is 76, and Nintendo and Illumination learned a lesson from watching how Disney got burned with Carrie Fisher, so part of DeVito’s contract requires him to use a constant dexamethasone IV-drip to unnaturally extend his life.

As I said earlier, I don’t know a lot about screenwriting, but I think this leaked storyboard page is from the end of the first act, when the protagonist, upon answering the call to adventure, first crosses the threshold into the unknown…

Map of the Nintendo metaverse:

NC Comics header by Jay Resop
Jay Resop self-portrait by Jay Resop
Nurse Joy sprite sheet by supersilver27
Waluigi sprite sheet by AsylusGoji91
Mr. Game and Watch sprite sheet by SmithyGCN
Justin Bailey Peach hair (ie Zero Suit Samus) pixel art by ElectricStaticGamer
Bowser Jr head pixel art by Numrato
SamusXXX pixel art by FantasyBoyTaro
GigaBowser pixel art by Rotommowtom
Princess Daisy sprite sheet by EalynnArts
galaxy pixel art by tumblr user noirlac
MasterHand sprite sheet by Kenju TheEchidna
Mr. Game and Watch sprite sheets by SmithyGCN and lepricon37@hotmail.com
Pauline sprite sheet by mx-nt
Parappa the Rapper pixel art by an anonymous artist
Super Mario RPG-Style Luigi spritesheet by Tonberry2k
Super Mario Bros. 3 SNES-Style Super Mario World Enemies sprite sheet by Doc Melonhead
Brock sprite sheet by ChriSX698
Nurse Joy sprite sheet 2 and Officer Jenny sprite sheet by Zender1752
Gotsumon sprite sheet by Wooded-Wolf
Pumpkinmon sprite sheet by Neroesaurus
Captain Syrup sprite by TrippleDedede
Captain Syrup fanart by CaangamoLineart
Sonichu sprite sheet by ALLSTARGamersXD-2x
"Our Friend" photograph by Chad McCanna and Hyle "SirSlush2" Russell
MetalMamemon sprite sheet by Zebub and Dragonrod
Stan the Bug Man sprite sheet by NO Body
Captain N sprite sheet by Gauntlet1@cogeco.ca [I think?]
Glover sprite sheet by A.J. Nitro
Pianta sprite sheet by Scott (GordoBlazin@aol.com)
Yoshi (Mario & Luigi: Bowser’s Inside Story-Style) sprite sheet by Ridge Troopa and Starpower
Megaman Christmas Carol sprites by ACE_Spark
Waluigi sprite sheet 2 by Starpower and Frario
Megaman Christmas Carol sprites by ACE_Spark
Captain Syrup sprite by Triple DeDeDe
Yoshi sprite sheet variants by MajorGeniePonyGirl75, Luigi Mario, and MCI79
Zoopa Troopa fanart by D.Quick
"The Great Oswaldo" created by Goshi
GigaBowser sprite sheet 2 by code14
Pirahna Plant sprite sheet by Classic Jack
"Mr. T vs. Donkey Kong" panel by Chad McCanna
Roseanne / Banjo-Kazooie fan art by Chad McCanna and Hyle "SirSlush2" Russell
Wario, Waluigi and Captain Syrupt fanart by unknown artist
Mario copyright Nintendo blah blah